Saturday, October 13, 2007

Today - A Battle

Today i have eaten a huge amount of chocolate. Which is not good. It's my comfort food, i always turn to it without fail when i am depressed.

i've been so busy the last few months, trying to keep myself occupied so as not to think about leaving everyone who loves me no matter what. And i have had the best time, been the happiest i can ever remember being, other people have noticed it too. i've been making new friends & connecting with old ones. For the last 6 weeks or so my days have changed, i've been less introverted, they've been lacking in the things that i usually occupy my time with, like films, photography, scrapping, art & blogging. i've been socialising loads, obsessing over Facebook & msn & feeling the need to be connected to people.

Today i've had to spend some time alone & i've not know what to do with myself. It's been lonely, & i've not felt that in a long time. i feel stupid for needing to feel wanted. Angry at myself for relying on other people to bring me everyday happiness. i should be stronger than that. i'm scared that when i'm wondering the world on my own i won't find the strength to love myself enough to be happy. And that's what scares me most about the trip. Because i've been there & don't want to go there again, but i know i will. i look back over the last few years when i've been away from home & realise all the good it's done me, but also how unhappy i was at times. My home is not where i live but my friends & family. And i don't feel like the best of me when i'm away from home, but i'm going to have to learn how to. All by myself.

i have been planning this trip for so long, been desperate for the time to come. Been so excited about it, and don't get me wrong, i still am. But the closer i get to leaving the more i want to stay. i never experienced this last time & it's freaking me out!! i always suffer from itchy feet, have always thought that i would end up settling in another country, that the pages of my book were unwritten & that anything could happen. But recently have began to realise that this is where i need to be. And have been feeling fairly certain that when i return, that this time it will be for good!

Today i started my journal, to record my ups & downs in the run up to my departure, for the really personal stuff that i don't want to share, the stuff that is just for me. i don't have many down days like this, mostly i am super excited about what lies ahead, but i need to record them.

It's all part of the journey.


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